I don't know how it got started and at this point all I feel like doing is cursing Ken for ensnaring me into this most scary of fanatical trends: naming baby. Across the message boards the message is clear, young people embarking on mom and dadom are, well, stupid. I didn't rely on just one site, but many, to arrive at this conclusion.

Seriously, folks, there is trouble brewing on the horizon if these immature moniker manglers are allowed to set loose upon us the names they've been calling 'cute!' and 'nice!'. First, they are in love with vowels and the letter 'y'. Kaylee, for example; though, that's a rather tame name compared to what I've seen. How about Maykayleeka. No, didn't see that one, but is a prime example of not going afoul of the vowel that is the key to naming the unsuspecting unborn.

No longer are John, Ken, Angela or Kelly good enough for the impregnated yuppie babies of yuppie grams and gramps to be. They bravely spurn thoughts of normal names others can spell and pronounce while disregarding what the child .. a feeling human being .. will have to deal with going through life with the likes of: Fenix. And Ryork. And ... Layden.

Maybe kids named thusly wouldn't be tortured because the rest of the kids would be struggling under the burden of similar tags. Let us visit them, shall we?

Fenix indeed was a name offered by a poster when a mother-to-be asked for suggestions. As was pointed out at the site, this name mostly said: I can't spell Phoenix. For my money, it looks suspiciously close to Felix (the Cat) and now, the theme song is running through my mind. Oh sure, this is a name adults and kids alike will enjoy hearing screeched out by an angry parent when the young lady is late coming in for dinner ..

Feeeeeeniiiiiixxxx!!!!

O.o

Any thoughts on nicknames? Feenie? Nix? Have to wonder now what sort of middle name this person is considering. Any bets on: Arizona? Or should that be, Airyzyonah.

Next on the list, Ryork. What the ...?! Sounds like an extinct species of prehistoric bird puke.

Cache. Is this child going to be stockpiled? Or will he just be the repository for horrible names.

River. Ah yes. Getting back to nature. A River runs through it. This River runs deep. River wide, River long. River bank. And, just a thought here but ... wild animals and yuppie tourists pee in rivers.

Kamin. The islands! The crocodilians! This is actually being seriously considered by some second generation yuppie. Scary.

Rylan. I'm not sure what that is, but it's not a name I'd give anything but a hamster. Okay no, I lied; I wouldn't. Maybe it was suppose to be Ryan but they couldn't get the el out.

Kage. Just reading it makes me feel boxed in; I can't imagine how I'd feel being stuck to that name all my life.

Kale. Lemme jess whip up some hominy grits and hog jawls to go with them there collards, baby chile!

Cade. ?? Is that the name of the drugs you're on? Or is that short for cadence? Aw, it's a girl!

Jet. Jet liner, cleaner, engines, setter, black .. wasn't there a super hero who couldn't fly called Jet?

Blaine. Why not Fabio?

Guy. This is not uncommon but do we really want to keep it alive? Why not Gal for a girl?

And the list goes on ... Gage (good for checking that air pressure in the tire), Macray (Mcreedie Macray that is), Ridley (Riddle me an answer batman), Bridon (of the unbridoned passion), Layden (laden: to burden or oppress), Reece (love reece's pieces!), Maverik (Country hick much?), McCoy (the real one!), Raegyn (she said her name is 'just like the presidents' .. last time I checked his name was Ronald ... Reagan; and he's an ex-president. A dead ex president), Rylie (my sister named her dog this, only she spelled it correctly), Ranson (pay it now or I kill the kid! Well, it's just one letter off ...), Colt (horse, gun?), Dabney (a little dab'll do ya), Jaxon (jaxoff), Raleigh (Carolina!), Rhealon (WTF?), Raffaello (turtle envy), Ty (dye and ty a yellow ribbon 'round the old oak tree), Conun (joint nuns), Conan (the barbarian and he'll be baaaack and pissed off that you stole his name), Seropuin (please tell me it's a common name in Greece or someplace ..), Hunter (me kill, you cook .. ugg), Trapper (me catch, you cook .. ugg), Tanner (it's what I does with the dead things I kilt and you cooked .. ugg!), Kade (too close to Kate when yelled across the play ground. I checked. And besides .. Kade??), Kaden (just as bad as Kade; the 'n' didn't improve it any), Track (is how I hunt and trap so I's can tan! ... ugg), Cole (another name for kale .. more from the mustard family!), Dagen (the dragon), Dade (WTF is that dad-e?? or dade, which has no more resemblance to a name than sog), Hayden (Fox! I liked that show ..), Royce (Rolls! just can't stop naming kids after cars, can you. So sad.), Sydni (Sydney Australia but not a feckin name for cryin out loud. At least spell it normal. Sydni. Why not Sidknee or Cidnea??), Flare (No, you do NOT have a flare for naming a child), Pine (nut, tree, sol, needle, away .. really people, do you not even think about thinking??), Sage (the perfect herb for the turkey .. or very wise, unlike mummy and daddy), Cloud (are you .. Sioux?), Bolt (which your child will do the second he or she realizes what a completely stupid name you struck them with), Polie (want a cracker), Ryker Teagen (m) (Commander Ryker! Brain fart there on 'Teagen', eh), Bracken or Thaddius (Thad or Tad for short) (Bracken is a fern you idiot! Thad?? Lisp much?), Tripp (and hit your head, which explains the name), Taycee (What?? Taser victim??), Tathan (No, no .. that's Nathan, you consonant confused person), Griffin (you do realize this is a fictional beast with the head and wings of and eagle and the body of a lion, don't you? No. I didn't think so), Creed (you want your child's name to be a word used to declare a system of belief, you cretin), Trevon (blonde moment while watching the soaps, or reading a romance novel?), Stran (oh, wouldn't it be grand if Stran's middle name could be Dan? Last name Ed? Stran D. Ed), Carsyn (city or, the host of late night, Johnny!), Stormy (nature at it's most broody, great name for a kid .. *sarcasm*), Caun (huh?), Legend (get real .. you liked the movie THAT much??! Poor kid will go around saying I am Legend and be compared unfavorably to Will Smith), Brison (That's bison, deary .. BISON), Braylon (Bray .. the sound an ass makes. Yup. You know people, if you like these names so much why don't you change YOUR name and call your child Kathy or something that won't cost you a fortune in psych visits for the kid), Kilan (Kill Lynn? What did she ever do to you ..), Zachariah (Biblical is worse than cars), Davin (rhymes with Gavin which stands for Dumb because the kid will have to say that the rest of his life. Imagine having to explain your name your whole life. HEY! I said IMAGINE! That means, put yourself in your child's place when you think Grumbalina is a cute name.), Kimela (couldn't decide between Kim and Imela, eh), Brion (bree-un, the un-cheese), Kyler (Tyler ran smack into Kyle and neither have been the same since), Karsyn (see Carsyn), Nicale (f) (Nicale's Navy!), Dalnic (m) (isn't that a penile disfigurement?), Saxon (No, Anglo!!! Death to Saxons, those filthy Germanic tribes), Slade (Sly Slade. Slade is a LAST name, not first, idiot you.), Rider (of the storm .. and get off that other kid, now!), Keslar (Kezlar) (sounds like it'll stop bullets if made into a vest), Alden (reminds me of Alan Alda .. say, why don't you name the kid Hawkeye!), Quinton (Some names just don't belong on anyone under 60), Denver (yet another city; and singer to boot!), Dallas (CITY! Wasn't that Bruce Willis' name in Fifth Element?), Bronco (a vehicle, and not a very impressive one either .. or, a wild horse! Yes, that's the name I would have been grateful MY parents named ME!).

My advice to you who think the names above are cute! or clever!:
BUY A DICTIONARY. And use it ...

Check these names, and comments, out at:

http://boards.live.com/Lifestyleboards/thread.aspx?threadid=509915&boardsparam=Page%3D61